Power to the People
May 17th, 2012
Before you read any further, I’d like you to take a moment and consider what the word power means to you. When you think of these words, perhaps you think of something or someone that has authority or control over something or someone else. Maybe you think of something or someone that is influential or impactful in some way. Or perhaps, instead, your definition of these words is more along the lines of manipulation or domination. When you think of power, do you tend to associate its traits with other people, or might you also think of the power that things, habits, behaviors, and ideals can have?
As you reflect on what this word means to you, I challenge you to also think about what has power in your life. Are there certain people that have an especially powerful impact on you? People that have the power to influence how you feel and what you do? Do you find yourself concerned with what people might think about you, or how you compare to societal standards? What kind of a relationship do you have with common objects, such as money, food, and alcohol? Do they serve as a simple means to an end, or do you have an emotional attachment to such things? How reactive or avoidant are you to strong emotions or stressful situations? Perhaps none of these examples resonate with you and there is something else that has a powerful presence in your life. Or, perhaps not. Perhaps you are truly your own keeper.
Power, in and of itself, is a dynamic that is neither positive nor negative. However, power does receive value when we let it influence our lives in some meaningful way. If we give our power way to people and things outside of ourselves, we surrender a part of ourselves to them. In contrast, we maintain our personal power when we are able to have a relationship with external things without being controlled by them.
As you think about your personal definition of power today and reflect on what has power in your life, I encourage you to rethink your relationship with those things if it is no longer serving your higher purpose. Remember that no thing can have power over you if you do not submit a part of yourself to it, and that empowerment, encouragement, and liberation are far more powerful forces than domination, oppression, control, or authority. And finally, remember that true freedom lies not in being free to do whatever you wish, but in freeing your mind, your heart, and your true self from negative limitations and constraints so that you may embrace authenticity, peace, and a more harmonious life.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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How You Doin’?
May 9th, 2012
“How are you?” is such a simple question. It is a question that most of us both inquire and answer every day. In fact, this question is rather reflexive for most: we use it as a greeting, a formality, even a habit. And, quite often, we answer this question in a similar manner. We partake in “how are you” exchanges so many times a day that we don’t even realize how often we use it. In a sense, we we’ve become desensitized, and as a result, we do not pay attention what we say and hear on a daily basis.
Take a moment and think about how many times you have heard that one little question just today. How many times have you asked this question, and how did you go about doing so? Was it a form of hello or a quick exchange? And how intentionally was it asked? Did you listen to the answer? If you have been asked “how are you?” today, what was your reply?
I am willing to bet that these exchanges were positive, impersonal, and brief. Perhaps you cannot even recall the specifics of such interactions. It seems that we often don’t listen to the answers people supply to this question, nor do we expect to hear an answer that is substantial or boldly honest.
So what would like it be like, then, if someone asked, “how ARE you?” How would you feel if someone took the time to investigate exactly how you are holding up? What might it be like for you if someone expressed a genuine interest in your feelings, your well-being, the current events of your life? What might you think if someone would not accept a “fine, thanks” for an answer and insisted that you must have something more to say, and they would like to hear more about it. Of course, it is a social norm to keep our inquiries and disclosures short and sweet, but wouldn’t it be nice if we took the time to show a more genuine concern and curiosity for one another’s well-being? Wouldn’t it be nice if we created more opportunities to invite others to engage in such a way?
It is my hope for you that you have people in your life that will take part that will take part in this meaningful exchange, for it implies that you are fortunate enough to have sincerity in your life. It illustrates the consideration, concern, and lovingkindness that you have with your loved ones. It demonstrates care, and that assumptions, formalities, and cover-ups are not being made, and that you feel invited and secure enough to talk about your experiences.
Today, I encourage you to ask “how are you?” in a different way. Seek out a real answer and really consider what you hear. Take a bit of time to show your friends how much you care, how much they are loved. Break your own habits and dare to tell someone how you really are. Give someone a chance to lend you an ear. If you can, connect in this way, and I think you will be surprised by what you hear and learn about your loved ones, as well as what you share about yourself.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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Hakuna Matata
May 2nd, 2012
Consider this: What if we had no past? What if we were only operating with our short-term memory, and we woke up each and every morning, only to deal with the day that we have opened our eyes to? What if we lived each day without the memories of yesterday, or the distraction of tomorrow? Can you imagine how life might be different for you if you treated each day, and everything that it presents, as something entirely new?
Time and time again, we have been told to live in the present moment, as fully we are able. We are told to learn what we can from the past, to accept it, and to let it go. Likewise, we are told that there is no sense in worrying about the future, that tomorrow will take care of itself, that we should let it unfold as it may. And so this is true.
Most of us, it seems, are able to learn about ourselves and the world around us because of the things that we have lived through. We are continuously transforming and evolving, being molded not only by our past, but also by how we relate to it. In a sense, our past is something to be grateful for, no matter what is looks like, because it has helped create both who we are and the lives that we are living today.
Yet, spending too much time in the past can be a problem. When we relive each struggle, open each wound, and recount each moment of pain, we inhibit ourselves from moving on to more positive things. Similarly, we run the risk of underappreciating the beauty that we have when we cling to our glory days and compare our present state to the times that we remember with longing. Living in the past in such a way is a hindrance because it removes us from the here and now. It makes us miss out on what is happening in our lives today. And it may prevent us from enjoying things as they currently are, healing hurts that have happened to us in the past, and avoiding those that may be coming in the future.
Because our pasts are a part of us, it does matter. But perhaps it does not matter as much as we may think. Perhaps if we let go of some of our hurts and spend a little less time with the things that no longer need our attention, we may be better able to heal and grow, and tend to the things that need our attention in the here and now. Perhaps if we bring our awareness away from what has already happened, we may open up to this moment and fully embrace what is yet to come.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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Touchy Feely
April 25th, 2012
Quite some time ago, a loved one referred to me as “thin-skinned”. And ironically (or perhaps not), this statement threw me off-guard as I found myself asking, “Really? Am I thin-skinned?” I have always considered the opposite was true.
Curious of the actual definition, I looked it up and read that “thin skinned” is an adjective used to describe someone as “easily offended by criticism and rebuffs”. For good measure, I looked up “thick-skinned”, which was defined as “not easily hurt by insult; callous, unfeeling, hardhearted; and largely unaffected by others.”
After reading these definitions, I concluded that most of us fall somewhere in the middle of this spectrum, striking a healthy balance of sensitivity while also having the ability to let things go. And while some of us may veer toward one end of the spectrum or the other, most of us would say that we are not entirely thin- or thick-skinned. And personally, I think that is good. Who wants to be considered callous, unfeeling, and insensitive? Conversely, who wants to take everything personally? No one. Most of us would like to be sensitive and empathic enough to be emotionally available to those that we care about, even if that means we are vulnerable at times. Similarly, most of us would also like to have a strong enough sense of self to know which comments or actions to take to heart, and those that we should not internalize.
Yet, while most of us would agree with this optimal balance of sensitivity and emotional resilience, we often forget this as we interact with other people. Why are we told to toughen up when something has gotten us down? Why do we pretend that something has not hurt us if it really has? Why do some of us act as if we cannot be touched by the words and deeds of others? Conversely, why do some of us seem to take everything personally? Why do some of us tend to invalidate our own feelings, or feel victimized by every slight?
Of course, the answers to these questions depend on personal differences. We all experience life differently and therefore have different interpretations of our interactions with other people. What we all seem to have in common though, is that we are all sensitive beings. We are all capable of being hurt, whether we admit it or not, and we all care about the feelings and experiences of others.
Today, I encourage you to examine your feelings, particularly those that relate to the people surrounding you. I hope that you are able to have the softness of heart to be emotionally available, and the strength and the courage it takes to be vulnerable. Too, I hope that you are self-assured and secure enough to be true to yourself, and to know when to take things personally while also being conscious of what you internalize. Know that it is okay to feel what you are feeling, and that it is equally important to be mindful of how you express and act upon your emotions. Remind yourself that you are human, as are your loved ones, and that we are all worthy of love, acceptance, consideration and grace.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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Unseen Others
April 17th, 2012
When I was in grad school, I was introduced to the concept of “unseen others” by one of my professors. According my professor’s theory, we all have them. They are the people in the world that we choose not to see because our reaction to them makes us uncomfortable.
I would like you to take a moment and consider who your unseen others are. Is it someone of a different religion, race or ethnicity, sexuality, or socioeconomic status? Perhaps it is someone of a specific profession, age bracket, range of ability, or political belief? Or maybe there are certain appearances, interests, or personality traits that come to your mind.
Regardless of who these unseen others are or what it is about them that makes us uncomfortable, we all seem to have such reactions to a certain group of people. Most often, we avoid our unseen others because we are uncertain of how to relate to them, or we have made assumptions, passed judgments, or developed biases or prejudices against the type of person we believe them to be.
I find this to be such an interesting phenomenon. How curious it is that we have a hard time seeing people as real simply because they are different from us. How unfortunate it is that we short change people because we have unfairly made up our minds about them. What a disservice it is to everyone when we cannot look deeper into one another simply because we are unsure of how to relate to who we think they are. And isn’t it interesting that we tend to validate certain people based on their likeness to our own self-image?
If you have been able to identify your unseen others, I challenge you to consider what it is about you and them that makes them so difficult for you to see. Invite your unseen others to hold up a mirror to you, and take a long look at yourself in the reflection that you see. Ask yourself questions about what you see. Too, ask yourself if you are willing to challenge your beliefs about yourself and the people around you. Are you willing to learn from someone that you have always thought has nothing to teach you? Are you willing to allow them to touch you? Are you willing to reach out and touch them? Are you willing to venture out of your comfort zone and expand your horizons?
Although it can be difficult to deconstruct our personal biases, it is rather easy to approach people with curiosity, rather than judgment. To be kind, respectful, and accepting. It may be easier than we think to have a positive influence and be positively influenced ourselves, even when we least suspect. Just think about a time when you were surprised by someone. How good it feels to be treated as a whole person worthy of understanding and acceptance.
Take a moment today and think about what a wonderful thing it is see the goodness in one another. See that we are so much more connected by our similarities, our vulnerabilities, and our very human nature than we realize. Celebrate and embrace our differences as a source of richness, rather than a point of division. Give all people a chance, no matter who or what we assume them to be.
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Three Words
April 10th, 2012
When I got married, an old friend whom is affectionately referred to as Pastor Bob delivered the homily during the wedding ceremony. As he addressed my husband and me, the message he gave us was quite simple, yet memorable and applicable to everyday life. His message revolved around three short phrases of three simple words that loved ones should say to each other every day.
The first phrase he told us to say to one another is, “I love you”. For many of us, it seems, this phrase comes with relative ease. We say it to everyone we love when we feel affectionate, as part of our farewells, and quite often, we say it as much for ourselves as we do for those that we love. The words “I love you” expose our truest selves to others and welcomes them into our hearts. The words “I love you” are important, as they express some of the deepest emotions that we may ever know. Love is such a fundamental part of life, and it is the cornerstone of everything good and rewarding in this life. And by expressing love for someone, we allow it to flow freely while making it known that we have invested our hearts in them.
The second phrase Pastor Bob told us to say each day is, “I thank you”. Again, “thank you” is a relatively easy thing to say. And while we often say thank you as a formality, the “thank you’s” that matter most are those that are an intentional and meaningful expression of gratitude and appreciation. These heartfelt messages are important amongst loved ones because they remind us that we have not been taken for granted and that we are cherished by those closest to us.
The third phrase that Pastor Bob instructed us to say is “I am sorry.” As I have written in the past, “I’m sorry” can be a hard thing to say. It can be hard to admit fault, to give in, and to face the pain that we may have caused in others. Yet even while a genuine apology can be difficult, it is important because it acknowledges the feelings of our loved ones, it offers humility, and shows that we are sensitive to the experience of others.
Not long after we were married, my husband and I added an additional phrase to the original list: “I forgive you”. Much like apologies, words of forgiveness can be difficult to say. Sometimes, it does not occur to us to even mutter these words as we assume that forgiveness has been implied by our actions. Yet then again, forgiveness in and of itself can be difficult because it may feel risky. When we forgive, we may feel that we are “giving in”, negating our feelings, or even putting ourselves in a position to be hurt again. Yet forgiveness is such an important part of our relationships because it signifies love, trust, compassion, and forward movement.
Today, I encourage you to reflect on the four phases listed above. Consider who you might say them to, and think about who you may need to hear them from, whether that is your significant other, your child, your friend, or yourself. Take a moment to reflect on your feelings in these relationships, and the, go ahead and tell them how youfeel.
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Instincts
April 3rd, 2012
One of the things that I love most about my work as a coach and a doula is the undeniable interconnection between psychology and biology. I love learning about how our bodies and our minds interact and how we may work with this system to use it to our advantage.
We as humans, no matter how evolved we become, are animals. We were created to adapt, evolve, and thrive. So much of our existence revolves around drives that are so basic to every animal in the world: food and water, shelter and safety, learning and development, companionship and belonging. Of course, we were also created to have a life that is more advanced than other animals, but really, when broken down, that is what we are. We are primal beings, with primal needs, motivations, and desires.
We are instinctual beings, just like everyone else on this magnificent earth.
Think about that for just a moment. Think about the things that we just seem to know how to do. The things that we learn as we go through life, whether they are taught to us or not. The things that just come naturally to us as human beings. And while tuning into some of these intrinsic messages may be difficult at times, the bottom line, however, is the same: we are instinctual beings.
So, if this is correct and we are such instinctual beings that move toward that which feels good, and away from that causes stress, why do we have such trouble trusting our instincts? Why do we often struggle to decide if we should listen to what our hearts are telling us, or if we are better off heeding the advice of our heads? Why do some of us seem to lack intuition or that gut-feeling that seems to inherently guide others?
It is because our instincts are so often over-ruled by our intellect. So often, we are encouraged to trust our heads instead of our hearts. We give greater merit to logic and reason because they offer better evidence or proof than any other alternative. We tend to overlook the power and insight of emotion and intuition because these feelings are seen as less objective and therefore less concrete. We live in a society that undeniably favors the science of logic and discounts the science of emotions. Because of this, we tend to forget that there is a connection between the two. That each preference, tendency, or approach to life plays an equally important role for us as human beings. We forget that each is just as valuable, useful, and important as the other. That they are interdependent to one another and integral to our well-being.
This Monday, practice a bit of mindfulness and listen to your whole self, giving merit to the messages that you receive. Recognize the thoughts and ideas that dance through your head. Acknowledge your feelings and consider them valid. Tune in to your body and assess your current state. Take heed of all these messages and integrate them into one. You might just be surprised with what you learn about yourself.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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Laugh, and the World Laughs With You
March 28th, 2012
Most of us are well-acquainted with the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And of course, this is an excellent rule to follow, as it offers us sound advice as we navigate our way through life. But how many of us are familiar with Rule Number Six? If you are not yet familiar with this rule, consider the following story:
“Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing the affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts through the door in a fury, shouting and banging his fist on the desk. The resident prime minister quietly looks up says to the young man, “Peter, kindly remember Rule Number Six.” Instantly, Peter regains his composure, restores to complete calm, apologizes for the interruption, and leaves the room.
The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet again by a hysterical woman, sobbing uncontrollably and gesturing wildly. Again the host prime minister quietly says, “Marie, please remember Rule Number Six.” Much like the gentleman before her, Marie calms down, apologizes, and exits the room.
When the scene is repeated for a third time, the visiting prime minister says, “My good friend, I have seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Pray tell, what is this Rule Number Six?” “Very simple,” the host prime minister replies. “Rule Number Six is ‘Don’t take yourself so damned seriously.’” After pondering this rule for just a moment, the visiting prime minister asks, “And what are the other rules?”
The host’s reply? “There aren’t any.”
As most of you well know, life can be pretty heavy sometimes. Our families and friends, our work, even our own well-being require constant and careful attention and care. And not only do these aspects of our lives require us to tend to them, but we also need to take them seriously in order to do so. Most simply said, sometimes life is no laughing matter. And yet while it is important to take our lives seriously, it can also be to our detriment to take things too seriously, all the time. Doing so can lead to burdens or problems that may not otherwise exists, a skewed or negative outlook, and undue stress and anxiety.
Because of this, it can be to our advantage to know when to lighten up bit. Whether that means making time for play, enjoying your loved ones, or finding the humor in life, enjoying the lighter side of life encourages us to make the most of we have. It can even help us put life into a healthier perspective as we focus on what is most important, letting go of what is not, and leaving time and energy for the things that matter most, such as our loved ones and our interests and passions.
Today, I encourage you to embrace the lighter side of life. Keep in perspective your responsibilities, your stressors, and the bumps in the road. Remember all that you have to enjoy in life. And maintain your sense of humor, as it is a strength beyond measure to laugh with others and appreciate what there is to love about your surroundings.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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Hearing Voices
March 21st, 2012
Has something ever happened to you that cut deeply into your soul? Have you ever allowed someone access to your heart and you ended up being hurt by them? Have you ever loved someone unconditionally, given them your trust and found that they misused it? Have you ever been blind-sided by an event in life involving someone you love?
Have you ever been the perpetrator of such hurt? Have you ever been responsible for the pain of a loved one or a broken heart? Has something ever happened in your life that you have felt the heartbreak that accompanies the knowledge that you have done damage to someone you love?
If you have been one either side of this spectrum, you are not alone. Unfortunately for everyone, it seems that most of us have been hurt beyond words. We know that feeling of betrayal, the sense of deceit, the break of a heart. And likewise, many of us have been the source of a loved one’s pain and are familiar with the heartache and the broken spirit that is the result hurting someone you love. Many of us know that it hurts just as much, albeit differently, to be the broken hearted or to have caused the broken heart.
So when this has happened, when we are dealing with hurt feelings of this magnitude, what do we do to move on from the pain? It certainly can be hard to be sure. It can be quite difficult to know the best way to tend to such deep wounds while also moving forward, both with your relationship and with your life. There is no easy way to decide if it is time to let go and when it is time to continue fighting for something you love. Rarely is there a right or wrong way to nurse our wounds while also experiencing life as best we can.
But, I must say that even while it may be hard to know how to best recover from your pain and move forward in some way, many of us do have an idea about what we need and what might be most right for ourselves and the relationships that we are in. Many of us have a voice that resides deep within us that whispers to us, offering us guidance and direction towards healing. Many of us know, somewhere within us, the path it is that we should follow. Most of us have something within ourselves that has utmost faith in our ability to recover, to carry on, and to flourish. Something that trusts, something that wants to guide us toward love again. Something helps us look inward in order to move forward, mending both the wounds in our hearts, as well as our loved one’s.
Even while that something within you might be difficult to hear or understand, it is worth your while to at least give it a chance. Pause, listen and reflect on what it is trying to tell you. Consider the message it is giving you about yourself and those you care about so that you may tend to your wounds, give and receive love, and begin to experience life as fully as possible once again.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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Don’t Forget to Breathe
March 14th, 2012
Every now and then, I have to remind myself that it is okay to let go and do nothing, to sit in silence, and just breathe. The past few days have been a prime example of such a time. I have encountered something that has left me feeling unsure of how to make sense of my thoughts and feelings, uncertain about what it is I should do next. And while this lack of clarity is certainly uncomfortable, I take comfort knowing that I don’t have to make a decision just yet. That I can take the time it requires to listen to myself and sort through my thoughts and feelings. To pause and reflect on who and where I am, at this time, and just be in that moment, living, and breathing through it.
Sometimes the best advice that we can give ourselves is to just breathe through the moment that we are, inhaling the good and exhaling the bad. It is quite similar to taking a much needed pause that I have referenced so many times before. Remembering to “just breathe” helps us center our minds and our hearts while also encouraging the body to relax. Research has proven time and time again that the power of the breath has calming and healing properties, much as it does in yoga and other mindfulness practices. And while it might not exactly cure what ails us (though some say that it does), it certainly does help us bring our awareness back to where we are, and what we are experiencing in that present moment.
Mindfully breathing, especially during times of distress, helps turn our awareness into ourselves, slowing our minds, relaxing our bodies, and encouraging them to become one. Taking a moment to breathe, center our minds, and synchronize our bodies is truly mindfulness at its best. It is mindful because it forces us to let go of the noise inside of our heads and bring our awareness to what is going on right now. As we do so, we must let go of what has gone on in the past, no matter how recent, and ignore our thoughts about the future, no matter how near.
Simply stated, we have no choice but to take our minds off of everything except our most immediate experiences as they occur. In essence, as we breathe and turn our awareness inward, we are able to mindfully experience our most immediate internal and external happenings, and open ourselves to clarity, self-awareness, and peace.
So today, if you do nothing else for yourself, at the very least, remember to breathe. Inhale the good. Exhale the bad. And know that simply breathing through the moment can be enough.
Ellie Otteson, MA, CPC
Life and Wellness Coach
Willmar, MN 56201
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